07' O' Late

Dear imaginary reader,


I am sorry for neglecting you. I wish I had more time to tell you all the hilarity that has been going on in the past *numbermumble* days. I'll make a list for you. It will be easier to read, and I am not drunk enough to not care about your precious fascetious retinas.





1. New Years. I am morally opposed to anything NOT FREE. So, I was fairly delighted when I found a free James Bond 007 themed....blah blah blah. Free Booze. That's what really matters. However, the poor little rich kids* that were there had their A game on. How do I know? The skinny bitches had Sheila the carb lover guarding their champagne stash. With her unfortunate ass**. I did'nt get drunk enough there. But I was plastered enough by two. Which awkwardly brings me to...





2. Bullshit couples. I know I don't have much bitch room here, seeing as I am in fact 'be-coupled' . But lets be serious here, people. (ha, person) I had a call from an old*** friend Let's call them Meana and D'oh. They are perfect for eachother. And by perfect, I mean astounding Death-com 5 levels of insecurity. When they reach critical mass, they fuck. I'm sure D'oh is the kind of guy who stops mid thrust and demands Meana proclaim her love for him, or he won't finish her off. Other than that, every few months I get phone calls from Meana that begin with "D'oh is going away for the weekend. So, since I hate being alone, I was thinking we could hang out." or "D'oh is having dinner with his family. He said I was allowed to go to Applejack tonight. So, do you want to have some drinks?" As with most of my friendships, I accept the invitation. Not because I am so desperate to hang out, I know it will never happen. (It's usually at this point that I realize that I am out of vodka, and so I make plans to drink that evening with some other witless prat.) She will turn around and call him, and bitch for hours. She'll no doubt be pissed because he has'nt asked her to marry him, thereby forcing her to have a life. I say yes so that in a few months she will call back...and mention something about voluntary house arrest.

3. Threesomes. Don't get your moose knuckles in a tizzy, reader. It's not as exciting as you think. If #2 does not apply to you, stop reading and message me about #3 instead. 'Cause I got nothing. I digress. I cannot believe how many times bf**** and I have gotten hit up for threesomes in '06. (six times, ironically. four guy offers, two from girls) Bf is pissed that chicks don't offer more. He says it has something to do with the desperate state of men and the soulless non-cum sucking-ness of women. Whatevs, bf. He may have a vague, superficial point. But I think a more in-depth analysis will reveal that women think more thouroughly about their sexual decisions than men do. Not to say that men are whores...just more visually/easily stimulated. Women have a plethora of reasons to accept or forego sexual invitations. It's unfortunate (HA! I don't really believe in that adjective. However, I do believe that my pussy is made of gold. Emerson said something like "the desire of gold is not for good... it is for benefit." See? My puss=gold) that most of them are manupulative.
Anyhoo, more shizz later. It's so late, I am in danger of falling prey to infomercials.

Besos,
c



definitions:


*poor little rich kids- this is best defined as a syndrome. You, dear reader, have no idea how much money it takes to look so poor. Ski bibs, pussy flavor saver beards and earrings made from ferrel hog droppings aside, poor little rich kids are best served under the influence. And by under the influence, I mean being drunk off of the Patron and prostitutes they buy you just to keep whatever extra appendages you have focused on them long enough to hear exactly why "a five hundred thousand dollar condo and a bentley convertible as a congrats (rehab) grad! gift from Daddy does'nt really mean love." Just Kidding, rich kids! I love you(r money) !



** Unfortunate Ass- It's not just genetics that lost your lucky number...It's god. We are talking biblical, epic proportions of porridge ass. If I can call you Cheese Mc HailDamage, Fritters Mac Goop, or Butt n' Slop, chances are you have one of these. The same goes for combinations of the afformentioned monikers.

***Old- Self induced state. Most people I know choose this out of fear of being alone, or herpes (I kid. They already have it). But we all know that the truth is that they don't want to worry anymore about being fat, or the excitement of/potential rejection from someone new.

****bf- Boyfriend. Keep reading for definition development.